Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize