it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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