Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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