yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
