I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
