im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
