You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
