So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
