Betty ford says i'm here all night
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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