dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
