I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize