Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
