My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
