So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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