dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We talked him into tasing himself.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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