his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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