just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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