What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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