I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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