On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
