Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
