Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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