I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My breasts were aching with rage.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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