Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's just like the Real World with babies
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
