Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
