you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
