Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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