Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
