You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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