I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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