She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
