It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
