I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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