This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
