I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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