I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
