Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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