Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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