someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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