Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize