he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize