Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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