why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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