if only i could text you this smell
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dignity is for republicans.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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