I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
