Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
