Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
