I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
