I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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