i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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