FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
