dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Floor bacon is actually really good
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
