I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
