Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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