Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Welp...herpes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
