I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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