Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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