I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
