The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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